It takes time

Moving on.
It takes time.
I am happy today because I realized that I'm over some hang-ups. It took awhile but still.
I'm over and I love it.
Soon I hope every sad memory will come to pass and I can have a brighter view of the future with less baggage.
Lighter, brighter, happier.

A quote on loving forever

"Because we never stop silently loving those who we once loved out loud." - Oriah

Time to say goodbye*

"Baby patay na si Ken..."

I heard my younger sister say to her boyfriend over the phone.

I was lying in my bed, woken up just in time to hear the bad news. I feigned sleep while I listened to her recount the story.

I listened and I felt my heart.  Nothing.  Then I understood my defense mechanism.  Blocking the painful thoughts.

"OK sige go back to sleep.  I will eat then clean the bathroom."

She put down the phone and I took a peek.  She lay there on her stomach with an iPod on her left hand.  I decided to check the time on my cellphone.  She saw me awake and sat down on my bed.

"Patay na si Ken."  I sat up and gave her a hug.  She told me what happened.

I laid back in my bed and I felt a single tear roll down my left cheek.

The verse I'd like to sing on my deathbed

"Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace."

- 5th verse, Amazing Grace

I like the song Amazing Grace.  I discovered just 20 minutes ago that the version we sang during a concert and the one of Susan Boyle's is lacking.  The verse above is the 5th verse.  The words are by John Newton published in 1779.

A quote on writing

“One does not only wish to be understood when one writes; one wishes just as surely not to be understood.” -Friedrich Nietzsche

Twinkle twinkle little smile

I remember this character from Samurai X.  He was an orphan living with relatives.  They usually beat him even for small things especially when they're drunk (which is OFTEN).  Then one day, while his uncles were punching and kicking him, he suddenly smiled.  Confused, his uncles stopped and then left.  He realized that they thought he was enjoying being beaten up and as psychos probably know, it's not fun to inflict pain on people who enjoy getting hurt.  So the little boy smiled whenever his uncles and aunts beat him because it was the only way he knew to make them stop.  Then he just smiled all the time.  Well, he killed them eventually but that's not the point.

People sometimes ask me how I know that something is wrong with them even when they look happy.  It's because of this, when your mouth smiles, the eyes should twinkle.  So next time you see someone smiling, do not assume that they're fine.  Sometimes they smile to mask the pain.

A quote from a grieving mom

"Parents do not wish for their child to live or die but only not to feel pain or fear." - Bai Bing Bing

I am not sure if I got the words right but the gist is there.  These words are from Bai Bing Bing of Taipei.  Her daughter was a victim of a kidnapped-for-ransom-turned-murder in the late 1990s.  They eventually found her daughter floating in the river after 15 days and autopsy showed that the girl has been dead for about 8-10 days.  She was raped and badly beaten and died from internal bleeding.  During the burial, Bai said she told her daughter that it was the [best ending] because in death, she (the little girl) will no longer feel pain.

I wish for a place when we do not fear for our lives and for our loved ones' lives.

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*Pardon if there are errors.  I saw the documentary in the Crime & Investigation Channel between 12nn-2pm January 6, 2013.