Here is a little something dedicated to all mothers, fathers, sons, and daughters who need to work on a Christmas Day. For those who do not know what Noche Buena is, it is the meal that Filipinos eat when the clock strikes 12 midnight on December 25. It is a meal shared by families and loved ones to celebrate Christmas Day.
I am excited to receive my 13th month pay. I'm thinking of what gifts I will buy. Then awhile ago I was coming down the escalator when I saw people who looks worse off than me. They were a group of friends and they were talking, laughing, just having fun. I almost cried because I felt humbled. It's the season of love and I was thinking of money. I almost forgot that Christmas is not merry because of my 13th month pay. It's merry because I have people who makes me laugh and loves me... and I am spending my Christmas with them.
It's been seven hours and fifteen days since you took your love away I go out every night and sleep all day since you took your love away since you've been gone I can do whatever I want I can see whomever I choose I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant but nothing I said nothing can take away these blues,
Ang puso parang utak lang din minsan. Kapag walang laman ang utak, wala kang masasagot sa test. Kapag wala kang nararamdaman sa puso mo, 'di mo masasabing "i love you". Kapag pinilit mong sumagot kahit walang laman ang utak o puso mo, isa lang ang resulta: wrong answer.
I don't know... but every time I eat a meal with both chicken and egg in it, I can't stop thinking whether they died together. I kept on imagining the mother hen in the coop and hugging her baby eggs with that scared look in her eyes trying to keep safe the eggs from the human who will harvest the eggs for breakfast. And the mother hen is begging "No! Please don't take my babies!" But then the human will get both the mother and the baby, kill them and sell them.
I know it's weird. And if I had a choice, I wouldn't eat another meal like that because every time I chew, I also like to puke and cry.
There comes a time in our life when we are faced with so many choices but the most attractive one is to give up. It's not always cowardice. You can call it human weakness. A lack of faith even. You can blame it on your genes or on your underdeveloped brain. Who knows right? No it's not always cowardice. Sometimes it can be self-preservation. Whatever your choice is, whether to go on or give up, the only question is, can you live with the consequence?
I was browsing thru Youtube one night and I encountered "Somebody that I used to know" by Gotye. Turns out it's a hit and it has maaaaany versions, both serious and funny. I like the music more than the lyrics (but I like the lyrics although I can't relate) and the dynamics of how it is sung (i don't know the music term for it). I would just like to share a few versions that caught my attention.
This is by Walk off the Earth and it is awesome. Not only do they sound great, they're also all playing using just 1 guitar! Thanks to mebossyounothing for the video post.
I had a dream about a friend. We were talking one minute and the next I learned she was dead. When I woke up, I sent her a text message which is a smiley face. She replied asking me to give her a hug because she is very stressed out. And if I can go meet her. So I changed my plans for the day to see her. It was a 1 1/2 hour ride to and 2 1/2 hour back. But it was worth it.
I admit I'm the kind of person who likes to stick to schedule. I can get quite rattled, not to mention grumpy, when my schedule suddenly changes. But at that moment, I felt it was sign. I just had to do it. The dream made me think about how easy it is for something to slip away and you cannot do something about it. Even if you "cry a river", you cannot bring something back.
I never told her about it and probably never will. But it will be a story I tell others in the hope that I can cause a ripple of change before things are too late for those who are like me.
I looked at my niece this morning & remembered how she would let her grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, & yaya carry her or feed her but not other members of the family who she rarely sees. There must be something that makes a baby discern when to calm down or when to cry when carried by someone. I think this is Trust. And because it is something akin to a basic instinct pre-loaded in us from the minute we are born, it is something that once broken is very hard to get back.
So maybe that is why for any relationship to work, trust should be present. Trust makes kisses sweet. And it's trust that makes your niece cling hard to you when she's hurt, scared, or just sleepy.
So ok. It's been 5 years since i studied anything psychology-related but every once in a while i come across psych words that excite me. One of my favorite concepts is "cognitive dissonance". It's a fancy term for something really simple and what many of us do in our lifetime. Simply put, it is when what you do is different from what you are thinking (or something like that). Well yesterday, I learned another concept which is "reversal of self-denial". I'm not sure if there really is a study about it but according to my source, it can be explained this way:
"Self-denial is not doing something that you really want to. Reversal of self-denial occurs when a very strong force pushes you to do that thing which you have been denying yourself and you end up doing it."
Whether the concept has or has no research to back it up, I think it happens to a lot of us. Some may call it weakness, lack of self-control, or whatever term there is to describe it but it happens even to the best of us...fortunately or unfortunately. I can attest to that and Iam sure you can too. Sometimes, it feels like you've been keeping your emotions in-check to make others happy but when you reach the boiling point, you can't help but let it all out. And sometimes you just want to be happy and to heck with the consequences. Good for you if you don't end up regretting what you did because it marked the start of your happiness. Unfortunately, not all of us has that privilege.
And so we live with self-denial and keep hoping that maybe someday we can finally do the reverse.
People come and go. But sometimes, being left behind hurts. Especially when the person who left you is someone you love. When the person leaves you without even saying goodbye, you feel that you don't matter to the person at all. And this is not only true to romantic relationships. So when you get hurt, you won't tell the person who is leaving. You will pretend that nothing is wrong. What is ironic is that the person who is leaving just doesn't know how to say goodbye. It might also be painful for that person. So it is a cycle. One that can be vicious at times. So i say, when you meet someone and the person becomes important to you, don't do anything stupid to ruin your relationship. Great friendship is hard to come by and not many can experience this in their lifetime. Don't take your friends for granted especially those you feel loves you. You don't need to love them in the same way. Just show them that you care. Because there might come a time that you keep on running after someone who doesn't love you at all that you neglect those who do love you. And you eventually lose them too.
"The time you spent on a rose makes the rose important." - The Little Prince, Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
For some time I believed in that quote but after 10 years I realized how lacking it was. From what i remember from grade school when we were required to read it, the books was somehow a metaphor for reality. So if the rose is a person then we rephrase it to this:
"The time you spent on (or with) a person makes the person important."
So now we see that it is not necessarily true. A rough example is a person placed in jail for life. This person will try to spend time with the other inmates without actually feeling that the others are important to him or her. Or a dysfunctional family. They could spend breakfast, lunch, dinner, or even go to church together but this does not mean that the parents. Or a private nurse that took care an aged patient because it's his or her job and might not develop any deep feeling for the patient even after many years. Or you might have experienced meeting someone and spending time with someone for only a few weeks but the person means the world to you and you love that person above everyone else. This is versus your friends who has been with you since kindergarten but with whom you do not really feel any love but since you like the familiar and you have no other drinking buddies.
I'm not saying Antoine is wrong. I just probably turned cynic.
I'm going on a trip. It's been a long, long time since I've been in one. I got everything planned out -- I'll play in the sea, sit by the beach drinking a mango shake while waiting for the sun to set. I'll probably play frisbee or beach football if anyone will ask me to join them. I'll have fun, make friends, just be happy. But I can't board the plane until someone steals my baggage. Because the things in my baggage are things I should not bring to where I planned to go. They are too heavy.
I hope someone steals my baggage and then I will be free.
They say that only the people you love can hurt you. Now my question is would you hurt someone you love? Well if your answer is no then if someone hurts you then that person does not love you. Right? So why love someone who does not love you back and hurts you at the same time? Not only is it a waste of time but you might be losing the opportunity to love someone who loves you as you deserve to be loved and treat you like you are the most valuable person in this world.
It's 1:42am on my watch and my roommate is sleeping so soundly I won't be surprised if they can hear her snore in the street. But this is not about how I envy her deep sleep. This is about things some people write about when they just want to talk and hopefully the right people will listen. I've been meaning to write again but i never found the time. Nor the motivation to do so even though my thoughts have been pushing against my brain walls clamoring to be let out. So for sanity's sake, i decided to put off sleep for just a few more moments while i let my mind speak out.
It's been a long 26 years. Truthfully, i don't know if i've accomplished anything worth telling my sisters' grandkids. I'll probably be the lola who tells them how to keep themselves amused while at home. I'll tell them the jokes between my family especially the ones about their grandmas. I'll tell them that they will make choices in their lives that they should ponder on while they are still young. About family, friendship, career, education, life in general. I'll tell them about not forgetting the good part of you when you are young just because you got old. That even if you are not the cool kid in school should you feel left out. That even if you're not rich should you be intimidated by the rich. That even if you are poor, or weak, or bullied should you give up on life. I'll tell my sisters' grandkids that they always have a choice. Even if they see only one solution, they still have two choices: to do or not to do it. Your actions should not be what society dictates. It should be for the good of people-- yourself, your family, your friends. I'll tell them not to listen to people when they say "grow up!". Do not lose the kid in you because only a kid can forgive their parents when the old ones hurt them. Do not lose the innocence and the love. Someday, you will meet people who will hurt you. People who will love you. You'll make friends and grow apart. But do not worry. When you lose someone, think about what my good friend once told me: that maybe we lose some people in our lives because their part in our life story is done. Move one but never forget those who once loved you. Remember and hold on to people who still do. Do not push people away. And never ever hurt your family because of something petty.
I will tell my sisters' grandkids all these and more. Then i will hug them and sing them songs from my childhood. Songs my mom sang to us while we slept. Songs i sang to their mothers and fathers while they slept. And songs that i hope they will also sing to their children, and their grandchildren when i am no longer able.
But i am 26 and my niece is just 3 months old. I might not see her grow old and have children. Or i might. Who knows? I am 26 and my mind and body is tired. The ramblings of a stressed soul. It's 2:02am already. I think i better go to sleep.